When the World Feels Like Too Much: How Parents Can Grow Resilient Kids BEYOND Talking
Talking with kids about things that are going on in the world, or within your own family, is crucial for supporting them through hard times. But talking can also feel like a "reactive" response, once things have already happened. The bottom line is that the kids you're raising are facing very real, and very scary, challenges. Updates are on a constant loop thanks to a 24-hour news cycle that won't let us rest, which means that we are bombarded by information from around the world, on top of the "normal" life challenges of family illness and death, parental job losses, moving, and the everyday ups-and-downs of being a kid. Life has always been difficult, unpredictable and unfair - which means that, if all we're doing as adults is talking, we're missing the boat on incredible opportunities to support children’s and teens’ resilience before, during, and after those hard times.
As parents, it would be very easy to feel powerless, hopeless, angry, and resentful. Easy, and totally understandable. Lying in bed with the blankets over your head, thinking about the dumpster fire of a world that you're leaving to your children and grandchildren while mainlining Girl Scout cookies is a perfectly reasonable response to the overwhelming task you're being asked to undertake: raising children, who become adults, who are prepared to be successful in an unknown future.
Except you're not powerless. You, as parents, have more power than anyone to shape the way your children will face their unknown futures. You get to decide whether they choose the path of despair, seeking blame, resentment and revenge; or whether they choose resilience, optimism, compassion, curiosity, and have the desire and skills to change the world for the better. In case you decide to go for option two, here's a short list of suggestions to get you started:
Play. A lot. "Play allows pretend rehearsals for the challenges and ambiguities of life, a rehearsal in which life and death are not at stake" (Bob Fagan, play researcher). It develops resilience, calms the nervous system (especially when there's fresh air and movement involved); develops social and emotional skills; and it inoculates against stress by introducing "micro-doses" of stress at manageable levels through the anticipation-action-resolution cycle of games like hide-and-seek, tag, or even Peek-a-Boo with babies and toddlers. Most importantly, it's how kids process things that they don't understand. Rough and tumble play lets out anger, frustration and aggression in a safe way; imaginary play lets kids "talk through" situations that are scary or worrisome, and "good guy-bad guy" fantasy play helps kids feel less powerless because they can imagine themselves as having agency and control in scary situations, and enables them to feel like protectors. Child-led play is best, so let them take the lead and match their tone, their pace, their energy level, and don't change their narrative if they create an imaginary scenario that makes you uncomfortable. If an issue comes up during their play, then you can bet that issue is on their minds and by being privy to their play you get to see inside their worlds. Teens need play just as much as little ones, it simply looks different. Encourage your adolescents to engage in person with their friends to play a pick-up sport, make music, or take a cue from the teen heroes in Stranger Things and use role-playing fantasy games to claim their own power. Be mindful of your family's schedules and if there isn't ample "blank space" in the calendar for kids to play, see where you can free up extra hours every week for this critical developmental need.
Sleep. A lot. Our bodies require extra sleep when we're grieving, processing, and healing. When humans don't sleep enough, levels of anxiety and depression increase — there's a reason why sleep deprivation is used as a form of torture. Sleep is when the body repairs and grows; when the brain consolidates memories and processes everything that happened during the day; cleans out the junk and prunes synapses; regulates hormones; and those last few hours in the morning when dreams typically take place provide emotional regulation. Ample, high-quality sleep is essential for healthy development over the long term, and in the short term the old adage of, "Things will look better in the morning" is definitely accurate (and so is "Nothing good happens after 2am" for the How I Met Your Mother fans out there).
Watch the news with intention. Rather than doom scrolling or keeping things on a constant cycle, choose reputable news sources and watch or read at specific times of day. Try to avoid having news on in the background while your children are around, as little ears pick up on far more than we realize.
Protect your body budgets. Understand that even if your children are too young to know the specifics, they'll definitely be picking up on your vibes of tension, anxiety, or despair. You can offset this by finding ways to connect with them — whether that's giving extra snuggles, getting outside for some fresh air and joyful movement, or choosing feel-good things to do together like having ice cream and a movie night. It will benefit your nervous system and emotions, as well as, strengthen the bond between you and your children that acts as a protective factor and promotes resilience. Get outside in nature, get enough sleep, and move your bodies as often as you can to keep your own nervous system in balance.
Look for the helpers, and be the helpers. Donate, be of service to the local community, make someone's life better today so you and your children feel less helpless. The service doesn't have to be large-scale and grand; it's the process of thinking about what others need, then putting those thoughts into action, that helps kids develop compassion, perspective-taking, and a sense of agency. You're never powerless when you have the power to change someone else's life, even in small ways.
While this is by no means a comprehensive list, I hope that it offers some practical optimism — if you decide to put down the cookies and come out from under your blanket fort, that is — for supporting your children and teens during hard times. And if you'd rather stay under the covers a little while longer, no one will blame you for that, either.
Kate Garzón, M.Ed. is a “GPS” for the parents of toddlers through teens! A parent educator and parenting coach who empowers parents to solve frustrating behaviors by guiding them to cultivate a grounded, developmentally-informed framework for making parenting decisions that protects relationships and builds skills — helping them confidently raise humans who thrive.
"Because kids don't come with a roadmap…there's GPS!"
