A Few Thoughts about FAFO Parenting
The term "F— Around and Find Out (FAFO)" has been attributed to everything from "Is that biker gang dangerous? FAFO!" to politics, midlife dating, and use in the military. Most recently, the trend has been making headlines for its applications in parenting…and I have thoughts.
Let me preface this by saying that I understand the appeal of FAFO parenting…truly, I do. Parents are very concerned that the children they see "misbehaving" now will turn into entitled, lazy adults who don't understand that choices and actions come with consequences. They hear horror stories of Millennials and Gen Zs in the workplace who can't get along with their colleagues, won't pull their own weight on a project—or worse—can't get a job at all. They have nightmares of their teens or young adults getting in trouble with the law, or living in their basements forever, or not being able to have healthy friendships and romantic relationships because they don’t know how to cope with all of the elements required to be a successful adult. And then a trend comes along that essentially tells parents that all they have to do is utilize more consequences and everything will turn out better…it makes sense that folks are eager to try.
While the FAFO parenting movement may be catchy, it's a reactive approach that's missing the basic elements of human brain development. In order for children to become adults who are successful —i.e. who have both emotional regulation and executive functioning skills like time management, critical thinking, problem-solving, impulse control, frustration tolerance, cooperation, collaboration, communication, perspective-taking, accountability, self-discipline, self-motivation, ability to plan for the future, etc. —they require brains that are ready to learn the skills, regulated nervous systems, and lots and lots of practice.
To that end, I offer three proactive points for consideration:
Discipline literally means "to teach," which is by definition a proactive process. Imagine if you started a new job and the management team didn't show you around, didn't let you know about the expectations, and didn't help you build the skills you'd need to be successful. They simply waited for you to mess up, then let the consequences "teach you the lesson." That's not discipline, that's abandonment. With children and teens, 90% of discipline happens proactively through building trust and connection; creating a relationship where you're a person they want to cooperate with; and setting fair expectations and limits that you can hold firmly while supporting self-regulation through validating their feelings. It happens when you use your emotional regulation to show them that you're someone who can be trusted with their big feelings and that you'll use limits to keep them and others safe when they can't. It means helping them learn to be accountable through making amends, and through the use of consequences only when necessary to help them build their skills. There is a place under the discipline umbrella for the judicious use of natural or logical consequences, but when they become replacements for proactive relationship-building and skill-building, their effectiveness significantly decreases.
Self-regulation is absolutely crucial for being able to process emotions effectively and to utilize executive functions. It also takes decades to develop, because it relies on both brain maturation and thousands and thousands of repetitions to practice. It's no secret that in our modern, hurried world many children and teens are missing out on the basic needs of their brains and nervous systems that make self-regulation —and therefore "good" behavior—more easily attainable. Factors like adequate sleep; unstructured, child-led play (preferably outdoors and in mixed-age settings so they require much less adult supervision); reasonable chores and responsibilities to develop their self-confidence and learn to be valued as part of a group; and screen-free downtime to be bored, to get creative, and to let their brains rest and restore; are all essential for the proactive support of self-regulation. When kids' and teens' brains are getting what they need to be healthy, behavior improves and consequences become much less necessary.
Children are not mini-adults, and projecting ahead to assume that their developmentally-appropriate behaviors (like meltdowns, "talking back," or not cleaning up their room the first time you told them to) means you're raising a delinquent is unfair to them and to you. I frequently encounter mismatches between what grownups expect and what children are actually capable of, and they leave all parties frustrated, angry, and at odds with each other. By proactively scaling your expectations to match their developmental stages, temperaments, neurodiversity, sensory profiles, etc. you'll be able to get comfortable with discipline—i.e. teaching—that is both fair and effective.
At the core, my biggest worry about FAFO parenting is that it gives adults permission to go on a power trip. It reinforces a mindset of, "It's my job to make sure they learn their lesson, even if it's the hard way" which can very easily cross the line into the grownups being authoritarian and using "consequences" as a mask for punishments. We know from decades of research that an authoritative approach that's high on warmth, empathy, and connection; high on structure, expectations, and reasonable limits/boundaries; and low on emotional unpredictability; is significantly more effective at maximizing each developmental stage, and fostering the self-regulation and skill-building that kids and teens need to become successful adults.
FAFO might feel good in the moment because I "taught them a lesson they won't forget," but if it comes at the cost of damaged relationships, scared and resentful children, and missed opportunities to build skills over the long term, then I don't think it's worth it.
Kate Garzón, M.Ed. is a "GPS" for the parents of toddlers through teens! She is a parent educator and parenting coach who empowers parents to solve frustrating behaviors - and raise great humans - by focusing on relationship-building, understanding development, and skill-building. You can find her at www.guidedparentingsupport.com or on social media @guidedparentingsupport.
