Three Tips for Raising Kids Who Become Adults Who Know How to Do Stuff
I get to chat with A LOT of parents, and a goal that comes up consistently is some version of, "I want my kids to grow up to be able to take care of themselves and other people." Essentially, parents want to raise children who become capable adults, and I'm all for it. I could spend hours touting the benefits for confidence and self-esteem that come along with having practical life skills; with being able to contribute to the family and the greater community in meaningful ways; with the resilience and anti-fragility that grow out of being a person who can figure things out even when it's hard…but I'll save that for another day ;-) THIS blog is about how to actually grow your adorable kids and teens into those adults who know how to do stuff.
As adults, it is eminently faster and more efficient to just do things ourselves. Of course it is. We're obviously better at almost everything than children are, because we have fully-formed brains and decades of practice backing us up. However, if we shoo kids off to play/watch their iPad/do something…anything…in a different room so we can finish the dishes/finish the laundry/finish putting the groceries away in peace, then they miss out on all of that essential practice that they need to eventually become capable adults themselves. The father of a former student referred to it as "enlightened self-interest"…by putting in the time to teach his young children the skills they needed, he was gifted a lifetime of them being able to do things for themselves and others.
Here are three tips to set you on the road to raising capable adults:
Make visible the "invisible" work you (and others!) do on a daily basis. You don't need to have a constant, running monologue, but consider sprinkling in phrases like, "The milk carton is almost empty…time to add it to the grocery list so we don't run out!" Or "Eww…this dish cloth is getting stinky…I'm going to get out a clean one, then hang this dirty one to dry before putting it in the laundry hamper, so it doesn't make the rest of the laundry wet and moldy." Or "Let's think that through…if you want to go to your friend's birthday party at 10am, and your sister has soccer practice across town also at 10am, and Mom is working that day so she has one of the cars…how can we get everyone where they need to be, on time?" Kids and teens are naturally egocentric (not an insult, just a developmental reality) so when we think that they should notice all the work we do and then get annoyed because they seem ungrateful, it's often because they simply don't see it. Do everyone a favor and make your mental labor obvious.
Involve your kids and teens in the planning and execution of daily tasks. While making the invisible labor obvious is important, it's just one element of raising humans who know how to do stuff. The next step is…drum roll please…actually having them do stuff! Is it slower to have them at the counter washing and chopping veggies, setting the table, and drying the dishes? Of course it is. Is it essential for them to develop their coordination, kitchen safety awareness, and understanding of the order of operations for planning and making a meal? Absolutely! Same logic applies when getting ready to go to the park or the beach; planning and completing outdoor chores; doing laundry; or any of the other million tasks that grownups do in a day. Bonus: time spent doing chores together is high-quality, device free time where they're more likely to chat with you about what's going on in their lives than they ever will from direct questioning…especially with teens ;-)
Take time for training. The eventual goal is for the kids and teens to be taking care of their own spaces (bedrooms, etc.) and contributing to the household because everyone is part of the team. YOU may have earned the privilege of hiring a cleaning service or landscapers, but your kids and teens definitely haven't…and it's going to be a tough lesson for them as they go out into the world and get started in their entry-level jobs if they expect that those things will continue to be done for them. Based on their age, developmental stage, and existing skills, choose household chores that they can learn to complete entirely independently, then take the time to train them properly in all of the aspects of that chore. "Cleaning the bathroom" doesn't mean a quick swish of the toilet bowl and a swipe of the counter with a paper towel…there are multiple elements, requiring a variety of cleaning supplies and a particular order of operations (unless you want them shining the toothbrush holder with the same rag they used to wipe the toilet…???) Layer on more as they're ready for it, so that by the time they're of an age to leave your nest they'll know how to care for their own.
While it's almost impossible to imagine your darling preschooler ever being old enough to have an apartment with roommates, it will come sooner than you think. Supporting the development of their capabilities in gradually increasing ways over their lifetimes ensures that they not only become people who can take care of themselves and others, but they'll also be people who are aware and grateful when others take care of them along the way.
Kate Garzón, M.Ed. is a "GPS" for the parents of toddlers through teens! She is a parent educator and parenting coach who empowers parents to solve frustrating behaviors by guiding them to cultivate a grounded, developmentally-informed framework for making parenting decisions that protects relationships and builds skills - helping them confidently raise humans who thrive. You can find her at www.guidedparentingsupport.com or on social media @guidedparentingsupport.
